BORN BAD

25Oct10

“Holy fucking shit dude.”

“Exactly.  Wait, what?”

“You people are fucked up.”

“What?”

“I mean – do you buy this shit?”

“I guess so.  I don’t know.  What the hell are you talking about?”

“This shit just sounds crazy.”

That’s Jacob whispering to me.  He’s a Jew.  He’s the only Jew I know.  He’s new around here.  We both go to a Catholic school on Long Island.  They make us wear green.  Everything is green and yellow with four leaf clovers all over the place.  It’s called St. Patrick’s.  Sister Muriel is the head nun.  She’s tiny, under five feet tall, but she’s scary as hell.  She dresses all in black with one of those weird nun-hats hanging down her back.  Only a few sparse grey hairs come out the sides.  They remind me that she is human.  Her skin is wrinkled and very pale.  I heard she killed a kid a few years back.  She’s insane.  Here eyes are black, the darkest black I’ve ever seen.  She can’t smile.  There’s something wrong with her mouth, and I think her teeth are made of wood.  She’s 197 years old.  She knew Jesus I think.  They used to play bridge on Thursday nights.  We have to watch out, but Jacob’s getting too loud.  His voice booms, bouncing about the classroom like a rubber ball.  He continues, unaware of his increasing volume.

“So, this guy died for your sins, but you weren’t alive yet, but it still counts for you?  Doesn’t someone else have to die for the new sins?  I mean, people sin every day.  Just because some guy gets nailed up on a cross two thousand years ago, that makes some shit you do now all okay?”

“It’s original sin dude.”

“What’s that?”

“Adam and Eve’s sin.  It’s a black mark on your soul.  Even babies have it, before they can talk.”

“What?  What’s the logic in that?”

“It’s not about logic; it’s just how it is man.  We’re born bad.  Gotta get baptized first.  You better get on that shit because you’re going down if you don’t.”

“If I don’t what?”

“You gotta accept Jesus into your heart.  Personal saviour.  Then you’re set.  Jews man, I don’t know.  I hear a lot of bad shit about you guys.”

“I’m not going to just take some guy I don’t know as my saviour!  What do you mean about the Jews?  What did we do to anyone?  We get fucked with for thousands of years, and everyone is still pissed at us?  What did we do?”

“You killed Jesus bro.  It doesn’t get much worse than that.”

“But he was a Jew!”

“Yeah, but he got over that shit.”

“I’m pretty sure he was a Jew, dude.”

“Well, I don’t think so.”

The old nun hears us.  Everything is quiet in the room.  She stops the lecture, and she’s staring right over here.  She’s standing still as a statue with bird shit all over her head.  I think she’s ready to pounce on the both of us, like a cat before taking out a bird.  We’re just a couple of sparrows, and she’s a fucking lioness.  She’ll take Jacob out first though.  He’s Jewish after all.  I have Jesus all up in my shit.  Jacob is a fish out of water, but he had no choice but to be here.  Jacob’s mom made him come because it is the best school in the area.  She never thought how awkward things might get for him.  Personally, I like the guy.  He’s different from all the rest of them.  They’re like animals.  This school is filled with a bunch of crazy ass spoiled rich kids.  I’m not rich.  My parents like to pretend that we’re rich, but my dad works three jobs, and my mom tries to keep up airs with the house.  My grandparents pay for my tuition.  They’re actually really rich.  My grandfather was a judge.  My mom just fakes it, always decorating or getting new things we don’t need.  Everything in our house is from TJ Maxx.  Everything is half off.  I’m pretty sure that Jacob’s family is real rich because they’re Jewish, and I hear that all Jewish people are rich.

The nun walks over to us.  She moves like some sort of Ogre, hiding out under a bridge.  I wonder if she wants a toll.  She limps a little, and she is hunched over slightly.  She has to raise her head just to see straight.  Her fingers are bony, and you can see her knuckles like knots on the limb of a tree.  We both freeze.  If we stand still, she won’t be able to see us.  That makes sense.  We hold our breath and avert our eyes.  She could tear both of our hearts out at any moment.  She’s got fangs.  They’ll be nothing left of us.

“Do you two…” she says slowly, “have anything you would like to share with the rest of the class?”

“No ma’am,” said Jacob.  He stammers.  I think he’s more scared that I am.  He doesn’t get the nun thing yet.  I kick him under his desk.

“No sister,” I correct him.   This guy needs to get on board for Christ’s sake.

She seems satisfied and ambles back towards the chalkboard.  There are Latin words written upon it.  I don’t know how to pronounce them or what they mean, but understanding isn’t as important as accepting.  We exhale.  That was a close call, but, for some reason, the fear fades as fast as it first came.  Just a few minutes later, Jacob is leaning back again, whispering like a blow horn at a basketball game.

“And what’s the deal with the oil and the whole baptism thing anyway?  Why would you take a kid and hold them under water?  How does that take some sin that they didn’t do but they need to get rid of just in case they die?  I just think that it’s cruel.  The baby has no idea what’s going on!  They have no fucking choice!”

“Dude, what are you talking about?  You guys are way worse.  You’re sadists.”

“What do you mean?”

“You cut your dick’s off for Yahweh or whatever you call him.”

“We don’t cut them off.  We just sort of clip them.  It’s called a bris.”

“And that makes more sense?”

“Man, it’s the covenent.”

“What’s that?”

“A long fucking time ago,” he says, “God chose us.”

“Chose you for what?”

“He just chose us.  We’re the chosen people, and we get circumcised so he can tell that we’re Jews.”

“But he’s God, right?”

“Yahweh.  Shit, I’m not supposed to say that.  I always forget about that.  But yeah, he’s God.”

“Wait, you’re not supposed to say what?”

“His name.  The Y word.”

“Why not?  Ha ha.  Why not.  Get it?”

“Shut up.  We just don’t.  I think it’s bad luck or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a mystery.”

“So wait.  He’s God.  Why does he need you to cut off your dicks to tell if you’re Jews?  Shouldn’t he just know?  Why the hell would he make you people do that?  Man, I’m sorry to say this…but I think that Yahweh dude is fucking with you guys.  Hardcore.”

“How about your Guy?  What the hell is up with all the standing, sitting, the kneeling?  It’s like aerobics in there.  He’s making you dance.”

“That’s true.”

“We can both agree on that then.”

“Sure.  Whoever or whatever the hell he or she or it is,” I say, “Well, it sure does have a good time messing with all of us down here

 

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